Scary New Beginnings

Groom will be returning to DC after almost two years of being away. He will be back in about three weeks, and I'm so excited, but I'm also nervous. I should point out that this has absolutely nothing to do with him, but instead with how I am feeling. I've been essentially living on my own for nearly two years. In this time, I've started grad school, got a puppy, and reconnected with all of my girlfriends. I get up when I like. I go out when I want to. I meet which ever friends I want to see (all within the parameters of my school/work schedule, of course). I buy the groceries I want, I pay for my own drinks, and I take care of all the cleaning when I feel like it. These are the same things that every single single does. The only difference is that every evening I have someone I need - want - to call.

In this time, Groom's job has forced him to concentrate solely on his job. Between his career demands and my living like a singleton, there has been a shift in the balance of power in our relationship, and this is something that bothers me immensely, but does not seem to bother him. With all of the focus being on Groom's needs in the past year or so, it has often been difficult for me to feel like we are on equal footing. The needs of his career always always came first, and that is really hard to deal with.

I think that in any long term relationship, this balance of power fluctuates, but usually centers around an a center point with which the couple is comfortable. Having this center ignored so drastically has made me a little dizzy.

I am afraid to give up all of my freedom when Groom is back. I will have to make a lot of everyday changes in how I spend my time and money. I will have to give up the space that I have fully occupied in the last two years, in addition to giving up space in what has become MY apartment. I will have to learn to compromise when I have not really had to do this in some time. I am also going to have to learn to demand what it is that I need, so that I do feel like we are on equal footing again.

However, while I am afraid, I trust Groom enough to know that he won't find this worry of mine silly. Reconnecting and finding a new balance will be fun, and likely challenging. Perhaps I am lucky that I did have this opportunity before we got married. Many people who are partnered can lose themselves in the relationship, and I was able to more fully find myself. I hope that Groom likes who I have become, and more I hope that I like who he has become. I think the next month will be very important to our relationship, and through my fear, I am looking forward to it. It's almost a new beginning.