The universe is conspiring to make me be a "full-fledged" adult and procreate. I am not joking. I live in DC, where we are a bit slower to get to the baby-making. Most of the friends I know who are either expecting or have recently had babies are mid- to late-thirties. Dear friends recently had a son, and I am fairly certain that he can do no wrong (also, I'm the baby's godmother, so I'm hugely biased). Perfectly reasonable people are having babies. These babies are not accidents or surprises - these parents are doing this on purpose. So why on earth is this putting me into such a panic? I literally go from, "let's get on the baby train" to "I'm booking a plane ticket to Vieques to look at beach houses we can buy and visit all the time because we are kid-free, wheeeeeeeee!" within a span of hours. Basically, I'm baby-polar.
It's not like I'm getting any pressure from actual people or family members to have kids - likely because my family knows I can put enough pressure on myself to outdo any pressure they could bring anyway. Sure, folks say that women over 30 lose reproductive ability each year, but I'm still closer to 30 than 40, so I'm not really feeling that pressure yet. L (previously referred to as Hubs, but I'm bored with that now) is all, babies now? Great! babies later? Great! In fact, I think he is so agreeable, because when I say that we should get to it, he agrees mostly to watch me panic.
If I take my wildly fluctuating emotions out of it and use logic, this is what I come up with.
L and I are happily married, financially stable, and have jobs we both like, and that offer flexibility. We have friends who have had babies and have survived to tell the tales. We like kids. Our puppy has made it to (nearly) age 4, and still gets excited to see us, so we must be doing okay. I'm over 30, and L is 30, so we are grown ups. I think the idea of a big family is fun, and I'd love to have a bunch of adult children when I'm older.
If I ignore logic, this is what results:
I'll never make partner at my firm, I'll never travel again, I'll be officially old, I never tried internet dating, how will I ever go out to eat, can I seriously go 9 months without a cocktail? What about schools? Private kindergartens are $27k...$27k! For a 4 year old! They eat glue, and play with legos, what the hell costs $27k, which is more than my grad school tuition, and those brats aren't writing a thesis, does that mean the end of Townhouse for me? Will I be overprotective and neurotic? I don't know anything about kids toys, and from what I hear, they scare the shit out of me, will I have to wear mom jeans? Will I go to mom and me yoga? send kids to ballet? Summer camp? Have to pack it up and move to the suburbs? Oh god, the suburbs!!! I've spent 15 years trying not to be knocked up, how do I switch that off? and let's not even discuss that my boobs are currently decorative, and then they will have a full-fledged job and have to stop being dilettantes. Will people send me gendered gifts? I will tell no one the sex of my kid - maybe until they are 16. I work in politics, what do I do with kids in politics? Where do they do during elections? I can't get preggers in certain months, because if the baby is born during election season, I'll never see it during birthdays...And what about...
Do you see? Guess which side is still winning.
Will I be a good parent? I don't know. I'm sure I'll mess up, and something I do will give my future unborn children something to chat about in therapy. But I like kids, and so does L. People in politics have kids - some even more than one, and still get promoted, still travel, still work on campaigns, and are still whole people who do interesting things despite giving birth. Eventually the crazy will stop long enough for me to forget my birth control pills in a drawer, and get myself knocked up. But not right now, because having a kid between Sept - Nov would just be mean.