Real Fear

So I joke about parental fears based in consumerism, but I was faced with the scariest thing I think I have encountered since becoming pregnant.  A high school classmate of mine - she was a year behind me in my tight-knit itty-bitty high school -  who was a little more than a month more pregnant than I am lost her baby last week. I discovered this reading Facebook at work, and when I called my mom to get an address to send flowers, I had to dash to close my office door when I started crying.  It wasn't even that this woman and I are very close - we're not, although she is lovely, but it just had not crossed my mind that this was even a possibility.

I have avoided reading any of the scary websites, and gave up on a few of the baby advice books I purchased early on because many of the things I was reading just sounded silly.  But this isn't a "can I eat Feta" concern.  Oh, gosh, I'm trying not to cry right now.  It's a level of fear I have never felt before - I can do everything right, and something bad can happen to this child, and there is nothing I can do about it. Something can just go wrong.  I imagine this is my first dose of what being a parent feels like.  Another friend of mine said that at least after they are born, you feel like you have more control over their environment, but even then - the world happens.  Illness can strike, accidents occur, fate can step in, and there is nothing that can be done.   There is nothing fair about it.  For a person who might be considered "type A" or perhaps even maybe a "control freak" this is a terrifying concept to grasp, and one I am not relishing.

Because I do believe in karma, I do try to put a lot of good out into the world.  I believe that positive things can come back to us.  But I also fear that sometimes I can be too lucky, which if I stop and think about it too long, can scare me into a silent panic.  I have been so lucky this pregnancy.  I was able to conceive easily, on the first attempt.  The first trimester left me sleepy, but not ill, and thus far there have been no complications.  All of this luck is also making me nervous (my mom told me to stop being so Irish about it).

I guess the best I can do is to continue to eat well, work out, get enough rest, try to be (a little more) calm at work and enjoy every little wiggle and squirm from the squid.  I guess that's the best anyone can do.