Every few now and then I get really really restless. Something isn't right with the world, and I need something to fill this void. I don't always know what it will take to fill this hunger for something....something new, some kind of change, something. It just creeps up one day, and all is not alright until I can figure out a way to quiet this festering mood. It makes me feel a little desperate, a little bored, and often like I need to do something drastic with my life to make it go away (once I moved to Las Vegas for 1 year, 2 weeks and 4 days). This persistent itch can show up any time, any place, no matter how good or bad things might be in my life at the moment, but when it does show up, I have got to feed this beast until I can be at peace again. These are usually moments I like to embrace, as they allow me the courage to do something big, make new changes, try something new. In fact, I can trace all my big life moments to this dragon feeling. When I was younger I couldn't fully identify it, but as I got older, it was quite obviously a very particular feeling that needed attention. Not paying attention to this feeling makes me miserable and grouchy, and not very pleasant. Sometimes just fantasizing about a different life is enough to make this stop. Sometimes these thoughts get too real, and I actually broke up with a boyfriend to try to stop this itch. Other past solutions have included: shopping, starting a new knitting project, buying a few new books to read, moving to Baltimore, applying to graduate school, making new play lists, getting a puppy, writing this blog, traveling, going to Rehoboth on a Wednesday alone, job hunting, flying to WI to see my family. Oh, and getting pregnant. So you see, I can't always tell what the size and scope of the needed change will be.
So I've been getting this feeling again and after a bit of retail therapy - which helped but didn't solve this problem, I just let it simmer again. I started looking up PhD programs in Chicago, New York, San Francisco (really the only other places in the country I think I could live happily). I started dreaming about being single and just going to these places. I thought about booking a trip to one of these places.
And then the strangest thing happened. I was playing with Teddy last night, and I just looked at him, and the dragon stopped. There, there was my new adventure. There was a long-term project. There was someone that was going to change everything, in ways I still can't predict. I watched him grin at me, and do his shy flirt smile, and kick his feet like crazy. I saw him roll over with little effort - a trick that two weeks ago he had just attempted - and witnessed how proud he was to be able to do this. I saw him roll over to better reach a toy I didn't just hand him, and then later that evening I watched him fall asleep as I nursed him.
Now I don't need to move, and I can plan a nice anniversary weekend for L and I, and I can continue to look but not apply to PhD programs, and all will be okay. I found my calm...and I think I finally recognized that I am a parent.