May 24: I can finally admit it. I'm a mess. I do not have it all together all of the time. I am not superwoman. This comes as no surprise to most people, but as I find myself in treatment for depression for the first time in over a decade, I am admitting this to myself and to others. What's more is that I do not need to have it all together. I have been buying my own hype for so long that I really truly believed that if I let just one little ball drop, just slide out of orbit even a little, all of the globes I am balancing and tossing and mixing and choosing will come crashing to the floor. Well friends, they have. Here's the deal. In the past year and a half I have: Put an offer in on a house, had a child after a 48 hour labor, moved into the new house with a two week old, gotten used to a new not as cool neighborhood nowhere near my friends, survived maternity leave, gone back to work with a breast pump, gone through a time/emotion-sucking election, unceremoniously left a job I loved, was left unemployed before Christmas with a ten month old, went on a vacation alone to my favorite place as a way to recover while job hunting, started a new job in which I am still trying to keep my head above water. Also, I'm married, have friends, and a LOT of family drama. It's really quite amazing I didn't have this nervous breakdown I deserved earlier.
So now I have an expensive therapist, prescriptions for a few fantastic drugs, and a new playlist filled with Lana Del Ray dropping eff bombs constantly. I also have a laptop and a secret desire to write. I'm trying to get myself back to normal, and I think it will happen soon.
NOTE: (Sept 9) I'm publishing this now, because I have finally come to terms with where I have been, and I miss writing. I need a creative outlet once again, and I think that until I admitted to this - to postpartum depression - that I am able to move forward with my writing, and basically with my living. I wrote this in May, and I spent the summer taking care of myself, going easy, learning my new job, reacquainting myself with my current relationships and learning better how I want to move forward. I'm also admitting to this because I think depression, and in particular postpartum depression, are often not talked about out loud. I wanted to say something earlier but now I'm finally in a place where I can look at these things objectively.
I am still learning to be easier on myself, while not giving up on my larger professional goals. I'm learning how to better balance all aspects of my life, and how to give enough time to others and to myself. I'm not the first person to have these issues, and certainly not the last, but at least I find that I'm in a place where I can talk about it. Stay tuned...